Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I cannot believe it's been about a year now.  About a year since our lives were completely jolted.  We were about 9 months into our adoption journey.  Things had been really stressful and scary with the adoption.   Chad had already visited the kids...we were longing so bad to just get them home.

What a lot of people don't know is that we knew before we got married that we would adopt one day.   We didn't know when...just that God had definitely called us to that.   Actually, Chad stipulated that we would "have one, adopt one".  Ha!   I had faith God would change his mind. :)   When Ethan was just a little over a  year old, Chad said he was ready to try again! We got pregnant the 2nd month.  Again, after Luke was almost a couple of years old, we had a deep desire to have another child.   So, we tried for several years.    We finally just gave it to God and came to the realization that we probably would not have anymore biological children.  We grieved that but trusted God.  We knew it must have been time to look to adoption.   We went through foster care classes and after we finished up, things happened with Chad's job and we had to put that on hold.  In the meantime,  God had lead us to some other things...we started working with a homeless ministry in Knoxville and got to know some boys that became very dear to us.   Their father was alive, but, they were still "fatherless".    Through our time there, we met people who were adopting from and ministering in Ghana.   Eventually we were lead to our kids.    I had let go of physically giving birth again.  But....I don't know if all women are like this....there was always this little bit of hope in the back of my mind...every month I wondered if it could be.    So...last July....when I took a test and it was positive....I was absolutely shocked!  I just could not understand what God was thinking.  How in the world could we handle this?  I knew then I would not be able to make the trip to Ghana.   I cried and cried and cried.   Not even I could believe my reaction.   It took awhile before I came to terms with it.   Finally, while I was out one day, I bought a little baby dress.   From then on, I dreamed about the baby and was so excited.    

At our first dr. appt, however, things were obviously not ok.   I was put on meds to try to save the baby.  For weeks it was an emotional roller coaster.   Finally at one appt, the baby was gone.   I was told my baby was about the size of a pea.   Well, I was not prepared at all for what was coming.  I had not gone into labor with my first two.  I went into labor and delivered the baby at home, all by myself.  My drs were amazing through the whole thing....but, the one thing they did wrong was not preparing me for this.  I was so traumatized and heartbroken.  I felt so guilty because of my initial reaction to finding out we were pregnant.    Little did I know that about a month later, we would find out I'd been carrying twins...one of which was tubal..and I would almost die.  Also at this time, CHad had broken his foot in four places and was goign to be out of work for months.  Those few months of my life were like nothing I've ever experienced.   The most precious part of those months, was that I experienced God like I never had before.   He was so good to me.   So close.  I'm so thankful for friends...I don't know how we would have gotten through this time without them.  But, God was such a comfort.  He brought such peace when there should have been none.   Death had new meaning to me.   I could truly say for the first time that "this world is not my home".   I long to meet my babies.   Lying in the hospital bed, knowing I was dying, I realized that I was holding too tightly to too many things and people.  I begged God to not let me die over and over.   I just wanted to be with my kids one last time.  I didn't want Christy and Moses to lose another mommy.  I couldn't leave them all.  For the first time I realized that I'm just passing through and everything I have...including my kids...are His.   This life is but a vapor.  Lord help me to live like it.      


The C Family said...

What a beautiful post! Again I am sorry for your loss.

Hillbilly Rockin' Robin said...

Steph - I know this is still painful and raw. I'm thankful the Lord is so present. Yes, our life passes in the blink of an eye. We have to live as if we understand that. I miss you sweet friend and am sorry for everything you have been through. I'm hopeful that when we come home - whenever that is - that you will have new trees planted in your yard. I only wish I were there to plant them with you. I love you.

The Runyans said...

wow. more tears. your twins are dancing and rejoicing with Christ!!!