Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Growing Deep Roots

Wow...remember when I said I was learning to let go of my expectations???  Yup...still learning.  For some reason I thought that this new year was all of a sudden going to be smooth sailing, trial free, and only full of joyous moments.   Nope...I was wrong!

Back in September we went through a miscarriage and then found out I had been pregnant with twins when my tube ruptured I came very close to dying.    You can read about that here.    It's been  a process of grieving the loss of two precious babies.   We had just decided that when it warms up we are going to plant an area of flowers or something in their memory.  It's hard not knowing if they are girls or boys, so you can't name them.   I have hated feeling I have done nothing for them.   Our boys still talk about the babies and wish that they were here.   After my surgery, the doctor told us that getting pregnant would be fine and that my one remaining tube was in good shape.    Well, a couple of weeks ago I started having some severe pain...much like when I rushed to the ER in September.  But, I was also having bleeding so it never entered my mind that I could be pregnant.   Monday night I started having excruciating pain again.  Chad stayed home and insisted that he take me to the ER.  I refused.  I literally pounded my fist and cried.   I was so mad that I was going through this.   I'm tired of being in the middle of crisis'.  I'm tired of being stressed about medical bills!  I didn't want to be away from my boys again.  I just thought I'd sleep it off and call my dr. in the morning.   I am stubborn.   But, I think more than that, I am just plain stupid!  After what happened before, I still can't believe that I didn't go to the ER.

So, the next morning I called the dr.   I went and had co-op with some friends.   I was not feeling well at all, but, haven't for awhile.  I've just been trying to ignore what was going on.    So, I got into the dr. Tuesday afternoon.   I told the nurse what was going on and she said something was telling her to do a pregnancy test.  I just went with it.   Then...I started to get excited.  I could be pregnant.  And then it hit me...if I am, it's the same situation as before.    She came back and told me it was positive.  I just covered my face and sobbed.   I could not believe this was happening again.   Another baby lost!  Another major surgery to recover from!

I was taken for a quick ultrasound and exam.  Sure enough...I had another ruptured tubal pregnancy.   I was taken back for surgery pretty quickly.  They tried to do things laproscopically, but, there was too much scar tissue.  So, I have another huge incision that is having problems.  I have to go back in tomorrow to have it checked out and they are hoping the problems will have resolved so I don't have to be opened up again.

Honestly, I am struggling.   I was in the Family Birthing Center so I sat there listening to all of these newborns crying and congratulations to all the excited new parents.   It was just hard.   It's final now.  I will never be able to get pregnant again.    I watched my boys tear up as we told them the news.  We told them again how now we have 3 babies we will get to meet in heaven one day and they are with Jesus.  Ethan said, "I know they have a good life now, but I'd rather have them here."   Me too buddy.    I am struggling with being cut open again.  I just have to try not to think about or I just get so frustrated.   It's like going through a c-section, but, when you come out, you have no baby to hold.   It stinks!  

I know I sound terrible.   But, I am being completely honest.  I've been constantly thanking God for his grace.  With an attitude like mine, I don't deserve it.  But, He gives it so freely.  I should be dead!  I'm not though. I'm sitting in my home alive and well.   I'm still able to hug my boys.  We got one step closer to bring Christy and Moses home today.   Just a couple more steps to go.  I am thankful for these things, I really am.  I treasure them even more now.    I'm more thankful to God than ever.  He has brought me through again...even in my stubborness...and stupidity!   He is so good to us!   He is such a loving God.   He is holy and sovereign.      It's funny because Monday afternoon I sat down at the piano and played "You are Still Holy" by Rita Springer, and sang my heart out to God.  I was fighting some discouragement about adoption stuff.   I was just telling GOd that I know H is sovereign and I trust His plan and His will.    Then, Monday night, right before all of this started, I began working on something to display in our home.   I really wanted to display a certain's been on my heart and I feel it's for our family this year.  I'm more determined than every to finish it now.

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s marvelous love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

This is my prayer for our family.   And I know that we are not going to develop deep roots unless we are tested and go through hard things.   That's why we're told to "count it all joy" when we go through trials.  I'm having a hard time with that part right now, but, I do have peace from God.   He is my comforter.  I know that He is holding our babies.  I know that He is holding us and loving us through this.   If this is how our roots are going to go deep...than so be it.   


sarah in the woods said...

Stephanie, I am so, so sorry for the pain and loss you are going through right now. But far from thinking you are awful, I think you prove time and time again to be a wonderful testimony to God's love and faithfulness. I can't imagine showing as much strength as you have. I will continue to pray for you and your family and please let me know how else i can help out.

SmallWorld at Home said...

Wow, Stephanie! So sorry you are going through all of this. What an incredibly strong person you are! May God richly bless you in this new year as you bring Christy and Moses home!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss of another child Stephanie! Thank you so much for your testimony and faithfulness to God. We are praying for you and your family as you grieve.

Sadie said...

I am so sorry for your losses. And I don't think you sound terrible at all- just honest and open about your feelings which is hard to be. So glad you are getting closer to bring your other children home!