Thursday, April 19, 2012

And me!

I look at my kids and I'm so thankful.   All four of my under one roof.   I've waited for so long.  It's such a huge relief.    However...something is not right.  Something tears me up inside.   I look into the eyes of my children and I could be them, sitting...hungry....alone....hurting...waiting for someone to love them.   Loving people come...they hold them, feed them, play with them.  Then....they leave.   It's wonderful.  They have shown love...most importantly shown the love of God.    Then, they watch their friends get packages from families.  They've been chosen.  Someone is going to get them out of there.   They are going to finally have a family....a mommy and a daddy!  They get pictures, special gifts...just for them.   I'm sure...deep inside...they are wondering "why not me?"  "Will someone ever want me?"  For some, an orphanage is all they know.  For some, they've known what it's like to have a family, but, poverty or circumstance has stripped  them of it.   Either way, I can't imagine the despair they must feel...the aching that must be a constant in their little hearts.  They are helpless....stuck...defenseless.   They are hungry for attention.  Sometimes I am brought to tears when our little guy says, "Mommy, and me!....Daddy, and me!".  He says this a lot when other kids are getting attention, food, or anything else he wants.   It brings back memories of precious little children, just like him....crying out...desperate for my attention.   "And me!  And me!".    What kills me is that I have held them.  I have looked them in the eyes and told them that I love them...that Jesus loves them.   They have sat on my lap and held my hand.   THEY KNOW....THAT I KNOW!   They must be wondering what I am going to do.  I have walked away.  WIll they ever see me again?   Will I help them?   What will I do?    Most important....God knows that I know!    I ask God what He wants us to do.   And...I instantly start to think of all of the things I can't do....the things I can't (don't want to) give up.   HE KNOWS all of that too!    

I think of Ethan or Luke...sitting in the food or water for one around who loves them....sometimes abused.   Would I sit back and make excuses for why I could not get them out of there?  I would sell everything I have, give up eating out, forget about my comfort.   There are millions of children...sons and daughter of the this situation and much worse.   Waiting on us to obey our God.   What will I do?   Will I obey?  Will I die to myself?

Proverbs 31:8   Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.  Ensure justice for those being crushed.  

Proverbs 24:12  Once our eyes are opened we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls,  knows what we know and holds us responsible to act.

Honestly....I am tired....I'm sure it shows in my rambling. :)  Yesterday was a day I wish we could just pretend didn't happen.   I don't feel like I can do anything else.  And I can't.  I can't make it through another day without Him.   Last night I was reading Psalm 143 and verses 6-12 really spoke to where I was at.  Especially verse 7...Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens.   Don't turn away from me, or I will die!!!!  LOL.  I am desperate for Him.  But, I want to live that way.   I need Him.   Verse 11 says "For the glory of your name, O Lord, save me.  In your righteousness bring me out of my distress."    I am nothing without Him and I want to bring glory to His name.  He's done so much for us.  If it weren't for Him...I truly don't know where I'd be...and I say that with all sincerity.   He has saved a weak, undisciplined person....a marriage in shambles....and gives grace everyday to a mother who can totally blow it when it comes to parenting.   He is good.

I think my excuses, aside from being ridiculous, short change God.  He is a God with no limitations, boundless love, amazing grace, and nothing is beyond Him...if He calls us to it.   Adoption is hard.  It's one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, things I've ever been through. It was WAY beyond our means and the enemy came against it...but God provided and prevailed.   Is everyone called to adopt?  Probably not.  

There are women who've started organizations like Feeding the Orphans, 147 millions orphans, etc.   There are tons of organizations to help feed families or support mothers trying to keep their children...or rescue children out of child slavery.     I do think that we are all called to do something.   It's in the and white...plain as day...there's no denying it.  

He KNOWS we KNOW.  What are we going to do?     Sometimes I feel silly blogging...I started out doing it to print off every year because I stopped scrapbooking.   Lately, it helps me process what's going on inside me.   I'm not good with words.   But, I think I also want to be held accountable.  I don't want to go on with life as usual...I want to be held to what I know.

1 comment:

RACHEL said...

Love your raw compassion.