A few weeks ago, I lost baby #3. I lost my last tube. I can have no more babies. I know some people think we're crazy for wanting to have more kids....and I have had to endure really insensitive remarks about it. Like...I need to get my tubes tied! Don't even know what say to that, except, "I can't...I don't have any left". I had a very rough, frustrating recovery this last time. All the while...our adoption has been coming to the last step...bringing our kids home, finally. We thought that would be easy. I know....what was I thinking? It's been a mess! Our kids should have been home this week. But, more paperwork, stating all the same stuff they already have in our stacks of papers at the embassy, has been requested! I know that it could be so much worse than it is and I really am thankful for all that we are blessed with...this is is just where we are.
I've been overcome with fear, discouragement, anger and confusion...and most of all, self condemnation. I didn't realize that until today, when a good friend just let me get everything out. I've felt like I can't come to God because I can't SEE what He's doing. I cannot SEE the good in ANY of this...at all! All I SEE is the pain, stress, and frustration. So...how can I come to God when I don't have faith in Him? My friend reminded me today...we don't walk by sight. I don't need to be able to see it. That's not faith. Faith is believing what we CAN'T SEE. I don't need to be able to FEEL like I have faith. It's okay if all I can write in my journal is "Jesus help me!". He understands. He has brought us to this place. Tonight, I feel like all I can do is cry out to Him and fight to keep my eyes on Him. His love is amazing. Tonight as we did devotions with the boys, I felt God holding me and speaking to me. I don't deserve that.
First we read about the Tower of Babel. I was reminded how I keep trying to do things myself. I think that I can make a way to do things on my own. This whole adoption process has been a reminder that I have a God who is my provider and His church is called to serve one another. It's been hard for me to sit back and accept help, meals, and money from people. This past week we opened our mailbox and found huge checks for our adoption two times. These families amaze me. One of them is adopting right now but they sacrificially gave so our son could go to Ghana. The other is a homeschool family who wants to obey God and give to the poor and orphans. That challenges me so much. We will have the privilege of having 2 incredible children in our family...that makes me want to do whatever it takes to get them here. But, a family who will gain nothing from this gave so generously! I know God will bless them richly in heaven.
Then, we read out of Jesus Calling for kids. It was titled "I Will Lift You Up". It said, "I am above all things: your problems, your disappointments and hurts, and all the ever-changing events that fill up this world....It's a fact: You will have problems in this life. You will stumble and fall into the dirt and dust of this world. But don't give up! Don't let the dirt and dust be the only thing you see. See Me! Reach out your hand and call out, Help me, Jesus! I will grab your hand, and I will pull you up".
We read Matthew 14:28-32. As we read, it hit me. All that Peter had to do was call out, "Lord, Save me!" and "...immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught Him". What a savior. He is so good.