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I'm sitting here in the hospital, waiting to be released.  A flood of emotions is kind of coming over me.   4 days ago I thought I was going to die.  I had passed out on the hospital floor 3 times before they realized how bad I was.  Finally I was sent for a cat scan...I remember crying out in pain from breathing or the least little movement.   I remember laying on the hospital bed shaking uncontrollably, bright lights in my eyes, doctors and nurses all around me, hearing how dangerously low my blood pressure was and how much blood I had lost.   As I was laying there, in and out, the doctor was trying to prepare me for what was going to happen.  All that I could think of was that I didn't tell my boys goodbye or that I love them.  I wanted to scream out for them but I couldn't.  I thought of our kids in Africa...I didn't want them to lose another mommy.   I just kept begging God..."please don't let me die, please don't let me die" .    Then I woke up to someone telling me that I had ben pregnant with twins and one was tubal and had ruptured.  Wow...I've lost 2 babies.  There was instant rush of questions just like when I lost the first one.   Would they be boys/girls/both?   What would the look like? etc.   I feel like I'm missing out on so much.   As I think about the fact that I could be dead.  It's such a strange feeling. My life is so fragile...yet, He holds it in His hands.  I thought I had been learning to let go...but, man...the thought of leaving my children.   It's almost unbearable.   Now, learning to let go of the children I have lost.  It's hard.   But, I'm still so thankful.   I'm thankful to even be alive.   I'm ready to go be with the blessings God has allowed me...and it's more than I deserve.

I'm so thankful for everyone has been praying, bringing food, cleaning our house, etc.   I honestly don't know what we would do without it.  Chad and I are both pretty useless right now.  It's almost laughable.   Pray we glean everything from this time that he wants us to.