Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Holding Me To It...

I was just reading back over this post.  As I was reading, I felt like God was maybe holding me to what I said.  Maybe that's not how God works....but, I think it's been good to reflect on what God was doing in me a couple of weeks ago in light of what has happened recently.   10 days ago was the worst day of my life.  I truly thought I was going to die...and I think a lot of other people did too.  It was a time where I felt desperate to say good-bye to my children, but, I couldn't even do that.   I just laid there dying, begging God to spare my life.   I've never experienced anything like that before.   It gives me a sick feeling even to think about it and the tears start to well up.   However, in the midst of that, God has been so good.   Prayer warriors came to the hospital and fought a spiritual battle for my life.  God woke people up to pray for me and they didn't even know what was going on.   I was so thankful to wake up the next morning.  At the same time, I was dealt another blow...I had lost another child.    I've had to grieve the fact that I've lost a set of twins.   It breaks my heart.  I've had to give that to God.  A friend of mine that lost a  twin shared that God really had to impress on her heart that he wasn't meant for this earth.   Realizing the hope that we have, really has taken the sting out of death.   We will meet our babies one day.  

This whole ordeal made me realize that I still have a tight grip on things.  I don't want to let go and hand things over to Him...not my boys here or my kids across the ocean.  I beg him for things to be done the way I think best.  It scares me to pray for His will to be done...and leave it at that.

  I pray that as these storms have come and pelted us with some heavy rains, that our faith has grown deeper.   That my trust in Him is stronger. That I will know that His ways are best.  He is so good.   I can't imagine going through times like this without my savior.  His love is overwhelming and I am so thankful for His grace.  We don't deserve the love that has been poured out on us....but grace.  

1 comment:

Kim said...

Keeping you in my prayers.